Only when I sleep
by Fabs G
Summary: Voldemort had been defeated, and life is now what It should have been long ago. But there is no peace for Sirius, as James is a constant heart-breaking presence in Sirius’ mind …


Title: Only When I sleep (1/1)

Author: Fabs G

Summary: Voldemort had been defeated, and life is now what It should have been long ago. But there is no peace for Sirius, as James is a constant heart-breaking presence in Sirius' mind … 

Rating: G

Disclaimer: I own nothing here. JK Rowling does, and I will never be able to thank her enough for inventing this wonderful world.

A/N: I don't' know how Sirius and Remus managed to stay alive. I couldn't have survived without my friends if I had been in their situation. My heart would have been too broken to keep on beating. Review, please!

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_But it's only when I sleep**  
**See you-in-my-dreams**  
**Got-me-spinning'**  
**Round and round**  
**Turning'**   
**But I only hear you breathe**  
**Some-where-my-sleep**  
**Got-me-spinning'**  
**Round and round**  
**Turning'   
But it's only when I sleep_

_The Corrs – Only when I sleep _

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Initially, Sirius thought that after Voldemort was defeated for good, everything would be right again. He'd go live with Harry, somewhere close to Remus. He'd try to recover those years lost in Azkaban. He'd forget about Peter, and concentrate on living life the way he wanted to right now: knowing his friend trusted him again, and giving a decent house to his godson. 

And things were like this. He found that having his best friend's trust back made everything nearly perfect, he found out that Harry had needed that home with someone who cared about him even now that he could get a house of his own and live alone. 

But only after peace had ensued in the wizarding world, only after Harry was no longer the target of the most powerful evil wizard ever, James came back to his mind. 

Not that he had forgotten James, God forbid that. The deep friendship he had shared with James had bought the boy with glasses a very big part in Sirius' heart. But, he had never had time to think about him. Azkaban was a place to dwell in your depression, and certainly not the place to came to terms with you best friend's death, if such thing was possible.

Sirius leaned against the sitting room window, looking at the starred sky, hoping to be asleep. He wasn't tired. He wasn't sleepy. He just wanted to dream. He always dreamed, it was now several years since the last time he slept a dreamless night. In his dreams, nothing had ever happened. Peter had never betrayed them. He had been strong enough to leave Voldemort's side and stay loyal to them. James and Lily were still alive and they had lived to raise his son, to watch his first steps, to watch him go to Hogwarts, to be at his graduation. All marauders had stayed as close to each other as they had been at Hogwarts for all these years, they hadn't drifted apart, and they had seen Harry grow up too. As Lily had said once, in his dreams they had remained Lily's second, third and fourth husbands. The irony. Now they were widowers.

But the best of these dreams, was that James was breathing.

Sirius would never forget when he entered the ruins of James' house. He didn't fear for Harry, as Hagrid already got him in his arms, but he automatically went to check on his friend. And the first thing he saw upon entering, was James' dead body. Sirius kneeled besides him, every friend's worst nightmare had come true. 

His best friend was dead. 

He barely had time to curse himself for suspecting Remus. He checked James once and again, he tried every healing spell he knew off, he even tried muggle CPR. But Sirius soon realized nothing worked on someone who was dead. He looked at James' face. His hair was as unruly as ever, his boyish face barely covered in ashes, his blue eyes, although dead, still had some of the glow that had made his face desperately attractive to Lily. He looked so alive, Sirius' heart broke into a million pieces.

He lowered himself until his head was resting on James' quiet stomach. _It should be moving_, he thought. _He should be breathing, his stomach should be moving up and down from his breathing_. James stayed as still as the previous minute. _This can't be true, it can't be true. Please God, please say it's not true please, please, please. _He had never cried so hard, or so desperately.

Sirius barely noticed he was really crying.

He felt a hand on his back, and Sirius' shivered at the reality of his memory. He turned, fully expecting to see a crying Hagrid with a bellowing Harry in his arms when he saw Remus, with a concerned look in his eyes. His timing couldn't have been better. Or worse.

"You're crying" he said softly. Sirius reached a hand to his cheeks and only now realized they were wet from the unstopping stream of tears. 

Remus got no response from Sirius, so he extended a hand and wiped with his thumb his friend's cheeks from the uncomfortable wetness.

"Were you thinking about James?" Sirius nodded faintly, his eyes avoiding Remus' and fixed on his star. Remus stretched his arm, cupped Sirius' cheek and pulled his face so Sirius' eyes finally met Remus'. "You'll have to share everything you have inside sometime"

Sirius opened his mouth to say it would be very hard to tell him all he had seen and felt in that brief half-hour, but he felt another stream of tears coming, and he fixed his eyes on his star again. 

Remus knew how much Sirius was hurting. He could feel his pain, how his heart broke every time he thought about James. Remus also knew that it was worst if you didn't cry, so he pulled his friend into a tight embrace, and let Sirius cry until he had no more tears.

They made it to bed at nearly 5 in the morning. Sirius finally opened his heart, and vented to Remus everything he had hidden in the deepest corner of his heart for more than 15 years. With every word he said, Sirius felt his heart a little lighter, his shoulders free from the tiring heavy weight he had carried. 

Sirius did not dream that night.


End file.
